Silly Season - Bad Jokes Thread (Work Safe versions only please)

[JoeT]

Ok ok ok,

It's the beginning of the silly season, let's see if we can populate this thread with bad jokes.

Theme:
Anything related to any motorsports, transportation, (car, boat, plane, busses, etc.) only. As long as there is a motorized vehicle in it.

It could be in the form of one-liners, insults, jokes, etc. Keep it semi PC.

[AndrewR]

Q. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car?



A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

[Doug Manninen]

Awh Man that Tiger woods one rules.

One of the old guys a year ago at work walked up to me with a serious face and said,"You are a bus" I cocked my head sideways like a dog and replied, "what the hell are you talking about?" The old guys says with a smile, "U R A Bus, Subaru backwards."

[JoeT]

How did the word "Moron" come to existance.

Simple: A man waiting at a bus stop tries to get into a bus so full that he can't get in. Yet he continutes to try to shove his way into the open doors, getting a lot of people mad.

Eventually the bus driver realizes what's going on and understands why his doors can't close, he unbuckes his seatbelt and looks above the crowd and shouts at the determined man and says "Hey Sir, no moron, no moron we're full.

[04turbowagon]

What's the difference between a Vacuum cleaner and a Harley?

On a Harley, the dirtbag is on the top!

[Navigator]

Love the Tiger one.

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

[dubya_rx]

I heard Tiger is changing his name to Cheetah.

[oldguy]

Tiger is soooo confused.

Cat or dog ?

Hmmm... I mean, it seems that he's a hound for...

[valheru]

oldguy wrote:
Tiger is soooo confused.

Cat or dog ?

Hmmm... I mean, it seems that he's a hound for...

The dog house! :muaha:

[MalcolmV]

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the hangar,
Nothing was stirring, not a single old banger.
The stockings were hung by the lap board with care,
In the hope some new sports cars would find their way there.

The Hamster was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of Porsches danced in his head.
James in his jumper, and Stiggie in white
Had just settled their brains for the long winter’s night,
When out on the track there arose such a clatter
Hamster leapt from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to a window he flew in a flash.
Small, but determined to give someone a bash.
The moon it shone down on the dark, empty track
And Hamster saw nothing so turned to go back,
When what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a bloody great Merc, moving fast in top gear.
With a very tall driver, who else could it be?
He knew in a moment it must be J.C.

More rapid than eagles his wheel spins they came,
And he whooped and he shouted and called out cars’ names.
“Now Koenigsegg, Bugatti, Atom and Aston,
Ferrari, Radical, Zonda and Morgan!
To the end of the track, then to the Cool Wall,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
“What the hell are you doing?” the Hamster did cry.
Now James was awake too and started to sigh,
“Clarkson, you pillock, it’s nearly midnight!
And Santa won’t come if we don’t do things right.”
Then in a twinkling J.C. screeched to a stop.
“I’m Santa this year so don’t get in a strop.”

Out of the car, across the cold ground
And into the hangar he came with a bound.
He was all dressed in denim, from his head to his feet
And he grinned at the boys for he’d brought them a treat.
A bundle of car keys he had in his pocket
And ‘specially for James, a new set of sockets.
A new Porsche for Hamster, a Roller for May
And Stig, he was silent, with nothing to say
For there in the moonlight, all shiny and new
A Bugatti Veyron – Stiggie knew what to do.
He jumped in the seat and zoomed off at high speed.
The others, both grinning, followed his lead.
J.C. laughed as he watched them, and his little round belly
Shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

Out on the track Stig drove faster and faster
With Richard and James both following after.
Then at the last corner there came a surprise
And J.C., he couldn’t believe his own eyes.
James overtook Stig on that very last bend
Then slid to a halt and waved at his friend.
“Jezza, you oaf! You’ve put nitrous in here!
I’ve beaten the Stig but I’ve broken fifth gear!”
J.C. grinned a huge grin and got back in his car
He set off down the track but he hadn’t gone far
When they heard him exclaim, with a spin of his wheels
“This Santa Claus lark, just how hard can it be?”

[AndrewR]

[Daniel]

LETTER FROM REDNECK MOM

Dearest Redneck Son,
I ' m writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won ' t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address..

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

[DouglasM]

In the spirit of the previous post:

Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in south west Qld)

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Tom and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march.' Geez, its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Tom and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's arse and it don't move. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Tom and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila

[isopropyl_z24]

A friend sent me this




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Have a good laugh!







Hope you don’t mind me sending this to you …. I got a really good laugh from it!!!



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't
looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it
right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd
invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna' look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?)
What? It's already come true?

Edited to remove the persons email addy.